Calamitous Chicken

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Calamitous Chicken
By Adagio D'Tranticus

You all have heard of dire wolves
And dire boars and bears
But there’s a dire animal
That goes beyond compare.

Such is the Dire Chicken
They’re a tiny foe but tough.
And fighting only one of them
Is more than quite enough!

These fowl are keen to slay you
Be you orc or dwarf or elf
So if you ever meet one
Place your smugness on the shelf!

The only time I met one
I was in no shape to fight
I’d just been ambushed by some orcs
Who’d left me quite a sight.

With no spells left to cast that day
And no stones for my sling
I used my only option left,
And I began to sing…

“Dire Chicken, why so dire?
Kindly redirect your ire!
You are acting far too plucky
And my patience has expired.

There’s no need to attack me,
Please relax and lay an egg.
I’m wrecked from your henpecking
You must leave me be, I beg!

Why peck at me ferociously?
Why bash me with your beak?
When I, a humble passerby


At that the bird’s head quickly turned
And looked at me headlong.
If birds could glare then this one did,
So I kept up my song.

“Do you seek vengeance for the death
Of your un-dire kin?
Whose breasts and thighs said their goodbyes
Within the mouths of men?

Or are you angry that sometimes
'Chicken' means 'cowardly,'
And so you seek to show us all
How foul a fowl can be?

Whate’er the reason, please desist!
Call off your bird attack.
I do not seek to fight this day
Please leave and don’t come back.

Go pick on something your own size
Like some stray cockatrice.
A foe more suited for this duel


And Lo! The chicken let me pass!
And I was on my way!
It seems the price was but one song
To save my arse that day

And so to close, I leave you with
A cautious word or three:
Beware, lest death on flightless wings
Makes chicken soup of thee!


From The Complete Works of Adagio D'Tranticus, Vol. 1: Comic Songs About Animals