Shannen Di'rithia's Journal

Shannen's is a good-sized journal, with a blue leather cover and tied with an old bow string. A lovely white feather is used as a bookmark.

Tue May 02, 2006 1:58 pm

Dear Journal,

I’m going to start by telling you a secret: I go to Visi just to be near Priestess Isande.

I still get lost in most places, so I always ask Ril to take me, but he’s the only one who knows I go there. He sits on one of the logs patiently and waits for me.

First I approach her, and say hello. She reaches her hands out to me and I take them, smiling. Sometimes she hugs me briefly, as a sister, and my heart takes flight for a moment.

I then turn to High Priest Jingadoolapingloop for healing. I don’t know if he realizes that I’m never physically injured, and that it’s really my heart and soul that need healing. He may very well know. They all might know . . . yet none of our priests have ever denied my request.

Thirdly, of course, I kneel before the altar and very quickly say hello to my Father, Cha'reth. He knows why I'm there so I need not put up a front.

And finally, that's where I stay, kneeling at the altar, with Isande on my left. THIS is the reason I come all the way to Visi. I yearn to speak with her, but since she has not replied to the letter I wrote months ago, I stifle my desire.

Instead, silently, I reach out to her. I wonder at her tranquility and with my eyes closed, attempt soak it into myself . . . I recall the smooth touch of her slender hands and her gentle embrace. I listen to the soft rustle of her feathers as she moves, and her musical voice. She smells like mountain snow. She gives me brief flashes of stillness and peace. She shows me what I imagine Cha’reth would be, were he an Avariel.

I realize I’ll never be so lovely inside, for this temper of mine. But I also believe she holds secrets I have yet to uncover, that may lead me to find peace with this wide world below the treetops.

Wed May 17, 2006 6:25 pm

Dear Ril,

I'm sorry I came in so late last night. I hope I didn't disturb your sleep. Something happened I wanted to put down in my journal. I'd like to tell you, too, and use my entry as a letter so I don’t have to write it twice.

It's about Sirion.

Walking back home to Ferrell, I went through Elf Gate. Dav, Dark and Vicky were there, as well as some others who I don’t know, or who I know only a little. . . my new friend Baloth showed up too, and we were just standing about, talking mostly about an odd bandit attack that just took place not long before I arrived.

After Dav and Dark left, and amidst the talking, Sirion came, crazed and bleeding. He was wailing on and on about everything being his fault, Kahas' murdering his true love, and Cha'reth forsaking him, taking away his ability to heal and causing his healing energies to harm instead. . . and randomly, strangers to him kept casting spells and other healing on him despite his pleas for them to stop, for they were causing him more and more pain. . .

His cries and moans still echo in my mind along with the gurgling sounds he made as chunks of raw, bloodied flesh choked out of him. I feel his warm blood splattering on my face and arms.

Ril, I did try to soothe Sirion with kind words, and by gently cradling his arms as they spurted blood over and over again. There seemed no comforting him, though, and nothing anyone could do! He kept passing out, and even having seizures. And all of us who stood near him became contaminated with things I do not know . . . diseases and ill effects. I kept feeling nauseated and very weak. When I was at one point extremely sick and injured by explosions that kept coming down from the Heavens, Sirion tried to heal me and, indeed, almost killed me instead! Imagine a priest and healer’s gifts reversed!

Rika showed up finally, but chaos continued. One moment everything went black around us. A large golden door appeared briefly. At another point my body was slammed into the ground, as if by the hand of a God, and I was unable to move even one of my feathers.

Before I regained control of myself, Sirion turned into a large, dark bird like the giant angry birds in the Le'Or canopies. He spoke as if he had not changed, and even as he was leaving, showed concern for ME on the ground!

Even stranger was, nobody seemed to be disturbed that Sirion turned into a large bird. . . Rika had been blinded completely and was walking on faith in Cha'reth, so perhaps she did not see his change. Someone mentioned possibly turning him to stone in order to preserve him and what sanity he had left . . . Maybe someone turned him into a bird for the same reason?

Rika finally led him away, I believe toward the temple in Zvid, with some others I did not pay attention to. I had considered following earlier, when I was so diseased, in order to be healed there. But upon being able to walk again, I seemed no longer harmed physically, and decided I should come home to you.

To tell you the truth, my love, all I could think of was being at your side again. I felt obligated to stay in Elf Gate for so long, to offer any comfort the presence of a sister could bring to Sirion, but I knew Rika needed me not and I felt . . . so afraid and exhausted.

Waking this morning, I feel remnants of that stress and anxiety. I don't think I am physically harmed. My worries for Sirion, however, are strong.

Oh, and one other thing, Ril, I told one other who seemed truly concerned for Sirion, what Fade told us . . . that Sirion had joined with Evrak. I had felt it important that another hear Fade's words, for, well, I believe Fade understands more of darkness than we do and perhaps saw something we would be unable to recognize. I hope I did not make a mistake by speaking of it.

I look up at you and you are still sleeping! I don't know how as while writing this letter I nearly relived the experiences of last night . . . and no doubt some of that energy surrounds me. But you are deeply resting. I am comforted by your peacefulness, and feel filled with love as you lie there in our bed and dream sweet dreams.

It was important to me to get these words down for you to read; since the entire goings on with Tall, I seem to be having more and more trouble talking – perhaps my voice is tired of speaking so much on unhappiness.

I will go down to the port and sit on the bench and watch the sun rise over the water. I don't know your plans for today, but if they involve stopping by to drop me a kiss, I would be very happy.

Yours, Ril, forever, -- Shan

((EDIT)) Some of the above page has become wrinkled and smudged, where tears have recently fallen. "Your's Ril," Has been crossed out and above it, written, "Cha'reth's."

Sat May 27, 2006

Sat May 27, 2006 12:44 am

A charcoal sketch fills the page (left). It has been touched gently several times, obviously turned to again and again . . . the charcoal becomming smudged deepest at the places where their bodies connect, along the male's wing and the length of his arm. His image appears more and more sad; more and more blurred.

This entry is rushed and messy. Black smudges and fingerprints edge the words and the drawing.

My heart is in pieces, my soul all melted. I choke and stumble, I'm beaten. Cha’reth, help me through the days, these hours, this minute.

Goodbye my Love.

Wed Jun 21, 2006 6:11 pm

Shan has created a very artistic, charcoal sketch is on this page, colored with some precise, purposeful green and purple inks.

I told Sister Da’e. I told her after I punched him and ran away crying. Da’e wanted him to apologize to me! I was in control alright until that concept crossed my mind.

I see it and see it and see it. Worse, I feel it. I wake up screaming with it, looking around and hoping I have not woken Sally next door; or, when I’m in the temple, the others asleep in the rooms around me. I’m so glad Grag’s room is at the other end of the floor.

Tall’s eyes and his voice are two sharp, black ribbons, twirling around inside the red flames. All of it: his eyes, his voice, the fire, join to form a solid spike that drills into the areas of my arms where he slowly laid his poker. My screams are not in my ears, but in my stomach and throat, nauseating and dizzying.

Is writing of it enough work for me to do for it to finally be cleansed from my mind? We will see, as I sleep tonight.

Da’e also brought up to me today the one who chased Tall out of my mind, if only for a while. She meant the beast who carried me from Elysia to Ferrell and nearly drowned me in the stream by the mill. I laughed and told her personally, he is but a sweet friend and a gigantic flirt. She agreed and we smiled on it. Still, I believe I will take this gift of Cha’reth, whatever it is.

For outside of what he is to me, he is much bigger, and I do see more: I see in him the strength and wisdom and heart of the Avariel who will lead us to safety from what is coming for us next. He will take us to the next chapter. Of that I have complete faith and I will give him the strength and goodness I’ve realized since the blessed night that Cha’reth took me as his own.

Jul 13, 2006 This is me with George. He was very cuddly the other night.

Sat Jun 24, 2006 3:19 am

Delurion is so strong and kind, and George is a true hero! A nightmare . . . this nightmare . . . for it to end would be the start of resting. Four Evrakian bonds came again, just outside of Ferrell, killing me and nearly taking Delurion . . . I have three sets of their bracers, now. The fourth bond took flight. Isi is most perfect. . . Tall is forgiven. Tall is forgiven? Evrak your days are numbered. . . you will fall. Isi thank you for showing me the way.

Thu Jul 13, 2006 3:11 pm

Dear Journal,

Del and I were fishing and a pretty elf named Cerridwen told me that the trout are becoming over-fished. . . since I fish to relax, I decided I will stop fishing there as often and do my painting instead. . .starting with the bears (left).

Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:21 pm

BAAAAAAAAAAH Journal, I just woke from another nightmare! I thought they were over . . . Memories that invade my peace. Sweet Cha’reth, at least I’m alive and that’s a miracle to be thankful for.

The dream . . . I don't know what THIS one is doing in my mind . . . All I could think was, "Make Him Turn Away!" But his eyes bore into me, seared through me to my family. Black and searing a million times more heated than the bolt that struck me on my right arm last night. My own eyes were burned out and I reached out behind me trying to grasp at the hands of my brothers and sisters, feeling only crisp, blackened flesh.

A rough painting, a mess with what looks like paint made of thick, dark oils.

I suppose it's no wonder I dream this after my day. It began with speaking to that cursed XXXXXXXXX. He’s right; we’ve NOT done enough . . . and I cannot hide my wings or I’d do it myself! But I don’t trust him. If he should know things, then his TEACHER should tell him. Why come to ME? And if he really wanted to help, he would have done so by now.

Just like those damned XXXXX: they’re all smoke and no fire. Fill us with hope and disappear. Fine. Let them. Maybe I should just eat XXXXXXX myself. Sometimes I think I could: XXX, and then for dessert those Elven Bandits from last night. Rip them apart and gnaw on their bones!!!

Oh, Cha’reth, my Father, I’ll not snap. Guide me please. . .

Then there was the meeting I was called to – with a soft-voiced shadow and a . . . and a tree. What they asked of me is enough to bring up a few . . . fears and frustrations, and painful, sickening memories. I do have patience with this, and resources in my brothers and sisters. I don’t know that Ana has forgiven me, though. I pray for her, my sweet and fun-loving sister. Let her see how much we love her, and how we all want her near us.

Finally, the brigade last night . . . I was keeping up so well until what, the fifth or sixth or seventh or eighth wave of those conjurations? Raising seven corpses, only to turn around and watch each of them all drop again, plus almost everybody else, all dead lying around me. So fast I didn’t see it, so fast I could not reach them all; just one – Kili and no one else. All it did was feed my insecurities . . . to realize the futility of my efforts after trying so hard, my mind’s a public tavern board for Nightmares to post on at will.

At least Rune’s home . . . and I find great comfort in Wanderer’s news. I think it’s time I go back to Visi and sit near Priestess Isande.

Cha’reth for these I pray: Ana and Tall that they continue together toward the light, Da'emona, Rune, Sally and Delurion in thanks for their love, Lafreth for his patience and insight, Mhog for his – well for his being him, Davilla that she heals, Simon that he finds peace from his pain, Ril wherever he may be, Namlig on his path to you, the entire Brigade that we accomplish our tasks, and my sweet Goldie that she may be safe and happy, and return to us soon.

((EDIT)) The following sentence is added a few days later, along with several X's placed over the original writing of some of the words above: Journal, they read this or attended the meeting that morning without my knowing!

Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:36 pm

Two pieces of smaller parchment are tucked inside. Both poems are in her husband's handwriting.

our love blossums like a beautiful flower filling my mind with your sweet smell our love grows strong like a solid oak giving me strength beyond myself our love shines like the summer sun giving my heart warmth and comfort yet I still thirst for you, always

"a dream?" I close my eyes Suddenly a harsh blizzard rages across the forest Trees soon blow away and are replaced by an empty frozen wind-swepted tundra I fall shivering to my knees in weakness I close my eyes I see your beautiful face before me I feel your arms around me The cold fades from my body I close my eyes I feel your warm lips against mine Heat coarses through my body I feel myself lifted in your arms Your wings carry us on the warm breeze I open my eyes I lay next to you I hold you tight in my arms Your body warm against mine Your eyes are closed Thank you my love. Yours forever, Rune

Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:14 pm

A fresh Jechran rose is pressed inside Shan's journal; a short prayer in sapphire ink on the right-hand page.[/i]

[img][/img]

For Simon.

Cha'reth, please guide his gentle soul so that he will finally find peace.

Sun Sep 03, 2006 2:47 am

Journal,

The last month with Saffie has been so wonderful . . . My sister is trouble and teasing and mud fights, but . . . she more than makes up for it with all the other things she has brought me: joy, laughter and warmth; love, security, support; a shoulder, an ear, words of wisdom, beauty . . . Thank you, Cha’reth for this,[i] another[/i] gift in my life!

[i]A painting is below the text:[/i]

[img][/img] SAFFIE

Sat Sep 16, 2006 10:22 am

[i]Large, somewhat awkward scrawling in sapphire blue ink:[/i] [size=18][b]

[i]MNTL, MNTL, MNTL, MNTL . . .

Mntl, hst, brch, dfns

MNTL, MNTL, MNTL, MNTL . . . [/b][/size][/i]

Sat Sep 16, 2006 10:50 am

[i]A list begun, stuck inside, some crossing out and replacing of items, but mostly neat and organized:[/i]

[quote]DONE? [u]Yes [/u] Date Oct. 14, 2200 Elven Saturday; 0200 Gnomish Sunday [u]Yes[/u] Cermony – Rika? [u]Yes[/u] Vows – Rune & me [u]Yes[/u] Bond – Rune [u]Yes[/u] Order of events – Rune (I will help) [u]Yes[/u] Dress – Bruno [u]Yes[/u] Dress designs – Sally [u]Yes![/u] Wedding – Temple in Visi, Ask Rika, Brother Jing and Sister Isande ___ Corellon Blessing – Saffie (at Temple) [u]Yes[/u] Reception, place: [u]___Rika’s[/u]_______________ ___ Song – [b]XXXXXXXXX[/b] [u]Yes[/u] Food & Drinks – send to Rika [u]Yes[/u] Guests list

       Dresses for:
           [u]Yes[/u]Mom
           [u]Yes[/u]Saffie
           [u]Yes[/u]Sally
           [u]Yes[/u] Goldie
           [u]Cannot make it[/u]Marin
           [u]Yes[/u]Nay
           [u]Yes[/u]Da’e
          [b]XXXXXXXXX[/b][/quote]

Fri Oct 13, 2006 10:24 pm

Dear Journal,

I can't sleep! I cannot believe the day is so close. . . I wish I'd stayed in Ferrell with Rune and Saffie . . . I miss them. I miss Sally and Mom. I miss Amendel. . . Cha'reth take care of him please. I wish he could be there for this. For him to miss my Bonding breaks my heart, and I know mom's and Saffie's too, although they pretend it does not. Cha'reth if I could have one wish it would be to have my brother there.

If Rune wears that silly open shirt and pirate boots I will have to strangle him! I state that now: If Rune is dead from being strangled before we are bound, it is his own fault!

Oh, and what if he's late?!!

Worries are worries . . . they are but weaknesses and this I know, but I still can't sleep!

I feel like Nayala is running around in my brain! Speedy speedy speedy . . .

Wed Oct 25, 2006 9:55 pm

How am I to describe this moment. . .

I describe it: Life complete, and full; the world wide and sparkling; my heart dancing in a place so safe it can only know acts of rejoicing. Shannen’s is a rejoicing heart. Shannen’s is a rejoicing smile. Shannen’s is a rejoicing embrace.

On my way here, I felt the loneliness of many things: Fear, danger, darkness, loss, hunger, longing, resentment . . . I don’t forget. I don’t forget my Dad. I don’t forget Howler. Nor the feeling of wet leaves under my shivering bum; Cold rain on bare arms; fingers so cold to be brittle; wolves howling into my soul; accusations of the wicked bigoted; cruel slights by those who now call me friend. The rain does not remember me as I was . . . nor do the ladies. Mean, Angry life, I remember you.

Lifted up by Grag, and Ril, Rika and Da’e. . . smiled upon most obviously by my Father in whom I place it all. And now I’m here, with Rune for all my life, our lives ahead.

For this I pray: Guide me Father, to do as you would do; to love as you would love; to forgive as you would forgive. Show me Father, who needs from me my gifts. Lead me to discover true peace. Place my hands over the hands that are cold and lonely. Stand me next to the ones who would receive my knowledge of you. Lend me the touch that restores and strengthens hope, the touch that teaches others of times overcome, tortures forgiven, coldness melted.

Tue Oct 31, 2006 7:48 pm

Two fresh white lilies are pressed inside this journal, with a prayer in sapphire blue ink on the lower left page.

[img][/img]

Cha'reth, with you are Ere and now Nam. . . two brothers loved and cherished, whose gazes fed the soul; two whose actions inspired your will to be done, and whose words gave clarity and hope. Thank you for the time you gave to me to be with them.

Please, do hold Rika most gently, Father.

Thu Feb 01, 2007 8:50 pm

[i]Two pieces of parchment with writing in her husband's hand are folded neatly and put in place inside Shannen's journal.[/i]

[quote]The Pool

We walk hand in hand Through the misty forest A gentle rain whispers

We wander upon a secluded pool Shrouded in the mist

The vapors retreat revealing The waters calm mirrored surface The falling rains make no ripples

We both peer down at our crystal clear reflections The joy on our faces shines like the sun

I lean down and touch the glassy surface A single ripple grows into many stealing away our images

The ripples suddenly change to wind-swept waves The water rages like a storm As it turns fiery red and yellow

The water soon calms as quickly as it began But the color remains

Our reflections return standing side by side But the scene behind our reflections is now different

Forest and sky are engulfed in flames Dragons rage war among the storms black clouds Forest animals flee before clashing armies

As I lean down to the water I notice that my reflection does not copy me

Instead our reflections hold each others hands With warm tranquil expressions Then embrace in each others arms Oblivious to the storms of fire raging all around them

As I reach down to touch the water The vapors return obscuring the pool

I feel warmth and comfort as a hand suddenly grasps mine I open my eyes to find us walking hand in hand through a misty forest[/quote]

[quote]Power of Love

I dedicate myself to the discipline of the blade The cold steel remains constant and true The dance of steel provides release and comfort The dance of steel provides strength and vision

Discipline of the sword is a lifelong pursuit The cold steel remains even when magics fade It is through the discipline of steel I prove myself worthy And through the sword I may exact my revenge

My path of prowess and redemption has become clouded and dark For my awareness of another force weighs heavily upon me

It is in your soft arms that I feel real strength It is your warm body against mine that strikes passion that burns It is your breath that breaths life into my spirit It is your love that lifts me and carries me high

The cold steel remains constant and true But our love grows constantly and truthfully The bond of love provides joy and contentment The bond of love provides excitement and fulfillment

The bond of love provides true power

Rune[/quote]

Thu Feb 01, 2007 8:50 pm

[i]Shannen’s writing is extra loopy and kind of large.[/i]

Can it be: a home for us? For all of us? A home! A place for family and neighbors and babies and friendships! A nook in an alcove in a real neighborhood not hiding. A place to stand in the middle of and look around and point, saying, “Oh So and So lives there,” turn a little and point again, “And our friends Such and Such live there,” and turn once again to point to a new place, “That’s where the Whoosie Family lives now, they've come to start fresh,” then point again in yet another direction and whisper, “Stay out of that one’s yard, that’s Blankety-blank, the Neighborhood Grump!”

I’ll pray and pray. I won’t stop, Cha’reth, I won’t! It’s scary to want something so much and to feel vulnerable. My heart's exposed . . . but I’m leaping. Rune’s always there catching me, arms open and eyes smiling, words reassuring, love unending. I’m brave. He makes me brave, he lets me dream and hope. I think I could fly right now!

I am so proud of him. And I knew he could do it, knew he would do it! Cha'reth thank you.

Sun Jun 03, 2007 12:43 am

I've neglected writing for too long . . . again! It makes my thoughts all jumbled to not write for so long.

We return from Lomir and Cynn's wedding on the island.

It was hard to leave Avlis, knowing all the work before me . . . and hard to come back, also knowing all the work before me. I'll continue, though, and do so willingly and with a happy heart.

Anyway, it was a lovely ceremony, even more to have Saffie officiating, and to look around and see new faces and also spend time with those I've not seen in so long since . . . being there before.

The island's beauty is not as quiet without Goldie on it. Of course it isn't. She's everywhere now, making a racket. I hadn't realized it would be so hard to go back. But it was. I'm glad it was. I'm glad the trees call her name and fireflies flash with her spark. I like to recognize her glow in every child's face at the Hamlet . . . to feel her in Rayne's hug and hear her in Bruno's laughter . . . to see her in Noor's eyes.

Noor's eyes. . . so beautiful with her green dress. Cha'reth, would that you could reach her. . . But we all reach her. We do your works.

Rune and I both love weddings. They do always bring us back to the day we bound, the happiest day of my life. Oh and the dancing is delicious. I tasted it. Rune tasted it. I bet not everyone thought it was as mouth-watering as we did . . . poor Layl tasted it when Sephira stomped all over his nice shoes. haha

. . . to continue, at least to me, I don't know . . . when I attend a wedding I feel the Life restored by Cha'reth . . . like . . . Apara Thorpe. . . it's the same assault on my senses: The families' laughter is not something I hear. The ear is an entryway for what that laugher IS. And seeing the splash and then drying the tears of one of the children after she falls into the chilly stream: Eyes and Hands are two more passages for the force to enter. Nose smells the earth and plants gardened by the Avariel there. But Nose is a doorway for what I don't know the name of, the stuff that goes to . . . the expanse of something, whatever it is inside of us.

Important things arrive to us that way. The way Goldie came to me on the island.

The important things are those that enter through our senses and shake us, shape us and wake us up are like kisses: Subtle, personal, quiet . . . but big. They are so big. I hear Rune breathing as he sleeps and when I close my eyes and listen, I'm filled up. These things are so big.

Thu Nov 22, 2007 5:14 pm

[i]*Some words are darker than others, that Shannen has gone over and over and over, as pictures flash through her mind between contemplative, retrospective pauses.*[/i]

I’m at Kiki’s and Sally’s. It’s quiet, with tea. Sally’s still sleeping and this fire is drying me out.

[b]My Mother[/b], Cha’reth, gone from me. She’s your girlfriend now. Is Nam jealous? Day thinks he would be. I think he’ll smile to see her. I’m smiling to think it but there is sadness I can’t yet put to words. [b]This[/b] is empty. [b]This[/b] is lost and my throat is tight. I sit wide-eyed, watching. . . all is going on.

[i]Little scenes.[/i]

[b]Rune’s perfect eyes,[/b] strong arms open, head on his chest. Eyes close, deflating. His warm cheek on forehead, lips on eyelids. I tip up, his kiss is life. I wake and fill. That power in [b]him[/b]. . . it hides under your colors, my Father; that power such force, [b]it teems [/b]and doesn’t rest. But oh how [b]he wields it.[/b]

Saffie comes to me too. What do I see? [b]Someone to yell at.[/b] I’m mean. Her faith is her life. I won’t destroy her, or even attempt. Shannen shut your mouth. [b]Don’t chase[/b] her away. Keep her please.

[b]Day’s here[/b], I think [b]she needs to hold Sirion[/b]. I can’t. One hug. That’s all from me, and I back again to the shadows. Shadow to him. I can’t do anything for him. Never could. Never could. [b]Never.[/b]

I think [b]Da’emona understands[/b]. She’s empty too. I bet she’s running running and weaving. Working.

[b]Bruno’s letter[/b]. Come help me Shannen. He and Sally. Molly, little sweet thing. Friendships lift us up. Hold us up. We’ll walk together, they say. We walk [b]together.[/b]

The thorpe. Mobilize, [b]get up and go, Healers[/b]. Help to be had. . . without Mother.

[i]More scenes ahead.[/i]

. . . Mother’s final wishes to be carried out now. . . letters to write, to read, to do. Things to do.

I hear Sally. [b]My Sally. [/b]Time for more tea.