Archival Reprint: The Herschweissenbach Herald, Vol. 4

THE HERSCHWEISSENBACH HERALD Volume 444, Year 2159, Spring Edition

VICTIMIZED SHOPKEEPER REGRETS STOCKING "EVIL-ORIENTED ITEMS"

MIKONA -- Following the latest robbery of his business, local shopkeeper Harol Gudens admits that he is "regretting [his] choice to stock evil-oriented items." Gudens' store, 'Bulging Sack', recently acquired a large inventory of sinister items. "I got a great deal on some Plank Shields and Duelist Belts," explained Gudens, "so I thought I'd go for it. Now I'm afraid I've attracted the wrong kind of clientele." In the past week 'Bulging Sack' has been robbed six times, and Gudens himself has been assaulted twice. Security had always been taken care of by Gudens' wife Freta, but now she is insisting that they hire a professional bodyguard. "My husband is an idiot," she said. Gudens has also expressed regretfullness about his disastrous policy of letting customers test Rings of Invisibility "to see if they fit."

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NEW EVIL CONSORTIUM RELEASES PUBLIC CHARTER, DETAILS MALICIOUS AGENDA, ORGANIZATIONAL PHILOSOPHIES

ELYSIA -- A new group, calling themselves the "Dark Bringers of Black Death", released their public charter last Thursday, detailing their violent and malicious agenda, as well as their basic philosophies on organizational and administrative matters. Second Lietenant of Public Relations, Torturus von Bloodblade, put the document on display at their headquarters in the Nobles District. In his short speech, Bloodblade went over several of the key points, such as the group's dedication to encouraging murder and assault, terrorizing the countryside, and spreading death and destruction to all who oppose them. He also clarified the group's complicated system of executive leadership, and explained the most common methods of appointing internal committees.

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RA-GHUL INSTRUCTS FOLLOWERS TO BE "QUIETER IN BATTLE"

TYEDU -- Speaking through his Celestial Avatar, the demigod Ra-Ghul last Wednesday called for his followers to be "quieter in battle". Followers of Ra-Ghul are known for their intense rage and deafening battle cries, but the demigod apparently feels that they could stand to "tone it down a little." The clergy's reaction to the request was delivered by the High Priest himself, Tuu-ksa Who Screams Often

"We respect the will of our Lord Ra-Ghul," said the High Priest, "and we will make every effort to limit our battle cries to a reasonable tone of voice, while still maintaining an adequate level of rage and berserker fury." Tuu-ksa Who Screams Often went on to add, "SO IT SHALL BE!! FEEL THE FURY OF RA-GHUL!! THE LORD OF BATTLES REIGNS OVER THE FRENZIED COMBAT OF BERSERKERS! ARGG!"

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THIS DAY IN HISTORY DROTID'S BLOODY '15-MINUTE SLAVE REVOLT OF 2059'

DROTID CITY -- Last Friday Shaahesk historians reflected back 100 years to that infamous day in history, known as the '15-Minute Slave Revolt of 2059'. "It is important to remember the lessons of history," said loremaster Fissesh Hissassik, "so that we do not make the same mistakes again." The historic revolt started when a group of kobolds tried to eat more than their allotted portions of the daily gruel. The slave-masters acted quickly, and the bloody revolt only lasted 15 minutes before the kobolds were utterly destroyed. But Shaahesk historians still point to the impact of that day. "Those kobolds made a huge mistake," explained Hissassik. "They chose to disobey our orders. So we killed them. That is the message that we try to spread among our slaves today. That is the glorious gift of history."

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BARDIC DUEL TURNS INTO ACTUAL DUEL

URBAZ -- A sold-out Hargas Steelhead performance at the Sloppy Elf Tavern turned ugly last Tuesday, when a famous comedian, Forzle Hammerfoot, began to heckle from the audience. Eye witnesses reported that "[Hargas] Steelhead was in the middle of a funny story when Forzle started yelling insults." Steelhead invited the comedian up to the stage, and a high-spirited bardic duel ensued. "Forzle started insulting [Steelhead's] material, saying that it was old-fashioned," said an eye-witness. "Finally he said, 'Hey Hargas, you haven't had a funny bone in your body since the time I fucked you in the ass!'" At this point, the bardic duel turned into an actual duel, as Steelhead lost his composure and pounced on Hammerfoot. The Sloppy Elf Tavern is reportedly closed for "renovations".

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Contributers Gnoler Kiddlerotch, Hoarmin Fekduddler, Kimberkrank Offendictum

The Herschweissenbach Herald, Volume 444, Year 2159, Spring Edition"

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