Archival Reprint- The Herschweissenbach Herald, Vol. 2
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THE HERSCHWEISSENBACH HERALD
Volume 441, Year 2151, 50 YEAR "NEWS ROUND-UP", Section 1
HIGH MAGE COUNCIL MOVES TO BAN NEW "BIGSBY'S MASTURBATING HAND" SPELL, CITES ABUSE BY FERRELLIAN WIZARDS
ELYSIA - The High Mage Council, last Monday voted unanimously to impose a ban on the newest Bigsby spell to come out: "Bigsby's Masturbating Hand". "The spell is not unbalanced," explained Melonius Mennallin, High Mage Council Moderator, "but it has been abused by some wizards, especially those from Ferrell." The spell, originally discovered by halfling wizard Harold Berrymuff, is used mainly to bring its caster to orgasm. Since its discovery last month, halfling wizards have been scarcely seen in public. Says Mennallin, "They are abusing the spell, and they are abusing themselves. It has to stop."
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CHURCH OF DRE'ANA ANNOUNCES NEW "REMOVE HUNGER MIRACLE DIET", CLAIMS IT IS ACTUAL MIRACLE
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ELYSIA - The Church of Dre'Ana last week announced their innovative new weight-loss program: the "Remove Hunger Miracle Diet." The Warrior Maidens' fitness priestess boasted, "We can give any woman a chainmail-bikini body in 21 days, guaranteed!" She further added, "And since this power to lose unsightly pounds comes directly from our Goddess Dre'Ana, this miracle diet is literally a miracle!" Critics of the diet suggest that it only suppresses hunger without actually providing valuable nutrients. Several local health specialists point to the more nutritious Titanean program known as the "Create Low-fat Food and Water Plan." The Warrior Maidens meanwhile continue to use the popular slogan, "Every woman has a divine right to be skinny and beautiful! Lose weight for Dre'Ana!"
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DROTID SLAVE TRADERS FORM PARTNERSHIP WITH FOOD INDUSTRY, ENCOURAGE CONSUMERS TO TRADE IN "OLD BUT EDIBLE" SLAVES
DROTID CITY - The stock market enjoyed a healthy boost this week as the Union of Slave Traders announced a partnership with the local food service industry. The new arrangement, which will involve cooperation between major slave traders and several area restaurants, will allow consumers to trade in their "old but edible" slaves for credit towards newer, more productive ones. "Not only will thisss invigorate the ssslave trade by encouraging a fassster turn-over rate," said a local financial expert, "but it will alssso give aid to many new ssstruggling ressstaurantsss, like 'Drotid Buffet' and 'Ssslave Burger'." These restaurant owners celebrated the decision, boasting of reservation lists upwards of ten pages long, and a dramatic increase in carry-out orders as well.
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YET ANOTHER WEDDING ANNOUNCED IN ELYSIA, DESPERATE OFFICIALS CALL FOR EMERGENCY CAKE AND FLOWER SUPPLIES
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ELYSIA - With local weddings occurring at a sickening frequency, Mayor Rinthon was forced to summon aid from Ferrell, in the form of emergency shipments of wedding cake and flowers. The City Council stayed in session overnight to formulate the initiative, which will call for the immediate shipment of 400 chocolate cakes and 20 barrels of icing, as well as 30 wagon-loads of assorted flower bouquets Bakers and florists hope to see some of the relief as soon as possible, their inventories completely ravaged by the never-ending stream of marriages. Local clerics are also being over-worked as they rush from one wedding to the next, sometimes performing up to six ceremonies a day. "We just can't keep up," said a frustrated priest of O'Ma, "there are only so many fucking hours in the day, you know??"
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LEGENDARY 50 YEAR FLOOD TO HIT M'CHEK SOON, CHURCH OF VEROSSA GETTING EXCITED
WESTSHORE - Prognosticators and priests all across M'Chek are warning residents of the legendary "50-year flood" which is due to hit sometime this month, prompting the Church of Verossa to become "really excited." The flood, which carved a path of death and destruction across southern M'Chek in late autumn of 2087, has clerics buzzing with excitement in many temples of Verossa. "We're totally pumped," says local priest Fusther Wynshul, "It's been a really long time since we had anything like this, and I know we're all just going to savor the moment." Many priests hope to receive "Verossa's blessing" by drowning themselves in the torrential rainfall that is expected to begin any day now. Other priests hope to "at least see a few people get hit by lightning."
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CHURCH OF VALOK ANNOUNCES BID TO ACQUIRE CHURCHES OF PTAH, HURINE, CONVERT THEM INTO TAVERNS
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BREKON - A high-ranking priest of Valok last weekend announced his intention to buy out the churches of Ptah and Hurine, and convert them into a chain of neighborhood taverns. "We don't feel that the two churches are offering Avlis much at all," said the priest, "I mean, how many people actually know what Hurine or Ptah stand for? I sure don't." The merger is expected to happen next week. Marketing advisors are already planning specifics for the two new enterprises. The "Ptah Tavern" is expected to focus on gourmet foods, offering free delivery to any location on the continent, 30 minutes or less, guaranteed. The "Hurine Hostelry" is intended to specialize in fine beverages, boasting the corporate slogan: "When you want to drink... drink Hurine!"
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- signed by*
Herschum Herschweissenbach