Archival Reprint- The Herschweissenbach Herald, Vol. 3
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THE HERSCHWEISSENBACH HERALD Volume 441, Year 2151, 50 YEAR "NEWS ROUND-UP" , Section 2
MALEKITES INSTITUTE BAN ON KILLING FORIANITES, CLAIM IT MORE EVIL TO LET THEM LIVE
BREKON - Church officials from the local Malekite Temple last week announced a church-wide ban on the murdering and/or sacrificing of any Forianite clergy, claiming it "more evil" to allow them to go on living. "We may be murderous, hateful, and [total bastards]," said High Reaver Sethra Fiddleberry, "but we [Malekites] are not impractical. It's a simple matter of numbers." "By banning the murder of Forianites," continued the High Reaver, "we are effectively quadrupling the total amount of misery and pain in our region, with no extra effort on our part." The effects of the ban are becoming evident, as protestors have already been heard complaining of "too many annoying Forianites." Local Forianites could not be reached for comment.
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MIKONA LEGISLATURE PUSHES NEW INITIATIVE TO END 'GOOD BIAS' IN CITY EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, MAKES PLANS TO INCORPORATE MORE 'EVIL' LESSONS INTO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CURRICULUM
MIKONA - Having already passed the House of Nobles, a new education bill met with success yesterday in the House of Commons. The bill, which will introduce more evil lessons into the curriculum at area schools, is in response to a perceived 'good bias' in the current course work. "All the lessons right now are only about doing good things like helping people or being nice," says Representative Greggor Hooglesnotch, "It's unfair to start these kids off with such a biased view of the world." Some of the proposed new lesson plans include, "Finding and Using Household Poisons", "Fun with Slavery", and "Grumpy, the Hateful Bear".
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Blandenberg RESIDENT FILES CIVIL COMPLAINTS AGAINST T'NANSHI AND M'CHEK, CITES "CONSTANT NOISE AND WAR"
Blandenberg - Long-time resident of Blandenberg, Harriet Fitzmur, last Monday brought two civil suits for noise violation against the battling nations of T'Nanshi and M'Chek, complaining of their "constant noise" and "disruptive war." In her five-page complaint report, Fitzmur cited "several occasions" where she was kept awake all night by "loud noises" and "horrible shrieks of agony and death." Fitzmur delivered her complaints by hand to the City Hall, and although most of the city council had gone on vacation following the utter annihilation of their homes and families, Fitzmur is hopeful that her complaints will be addressed quickly. "I've invited some friends over for dinner next week," she said, "and if another dying soldier falls through my window, it'll be really embarrassing."
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SHOCKING REPORT REVEALS: PRIESTS OF MALEKI DON'T HAVE SEX WITH CORPSES AFTER THEY SACRIFICE PEOPLE
MIKONA - Months of investigation have uncovered no evidence as yet that clergy within the Church of Maleki have sex with dead bodies after their sacrificial rituals, nor that they fondle the corpses, or otherwise stroke them lovingly. Authorities discovered that the Malekites usually bury or burn the corpses promptly, without having touched or groped them in any way that might be deemed inappropriate. An anonymous investigator delivered the team's official, surprising conclusion. "We are almost completely positive that Malekite priests very seldom, if ever, have sexual intercourse with the recently deceased, on church property." The investigator then added, "We'd just like people to be aware that it is quite possible to be sacrificed by the Church of Maleki, and not get violated sexually after your death."
The Herschweissenbach Herald, Volume 441, 50 YEAR "NEWS ROUND-UP"
- signed by*
Herschum Herschweissenbach