Hargas' Heroes of Avlis

There ONCE was a priest named Cord Willn, 

who CONFRONTED a dastardly villain.
"Hear THIS," said the priest,
"I'll SEE that ye cease,
your RAPIN' and lootin' and killin'!

  Still the CRIMINAL wasn't afraid, 

and a JAGGED-edge knife he displayed,
but brave CORD yet prevailed,
and he PUMMELED and jailed,
this CROOK and his crooked-edge blade!

   I KNOW a brave halfling named Harriet, 

Whose HORSE was so small she could carry it.
'Twas TOO small to ride,
But at LEAST when it died,
It DIDN'T take long for to bury it!

  But Miss PROUDFOOT'S an upstanding lass, 

Who's as CHARMING and cute as she's fast.
Her ACHIEVEMENTS are many,
But I'll GIVE ye the skinny,
On SOME of the deeds she's amassed.

  With NARIN she served Gorethar, 

And with OTHERS she bested Hugar!
When the LICH came a callin'
She and SAMMY weren't stallin',
When they RESCUED our city from harm!

  So I'd LIKE to say thanks to this lass, 

To HARRIET, I'm raisin' me glass,
Here's to ALL her good deeds,
She's a GREAT friend indeed,
(in HEART, a bit more so than mass)

  There's a CURIOUS ranger named Cuxn, 

Whose young WIFE is both randy and buxom.
She CLUTCHES her hubbie,
his FACE to her bubbies,
And WON'T let him go till he sucks 'em!

  A MIKONIAN beauty named Kima, 

Is KNOWN to swim nude in the stream'a.
A CELIBATE friar,
once HAPPENED to spy her,
And NOW he has got a wet dream'a!

  A YOUNG Twostep laddie named Kwale, 

Had ACQUIRED a taste for cheap ale,
When one NIGHT a young lass,
Took a PISS in his glass,
He EXCLAIMED, "This beer's good, but it's stale!"

 This LASS from T'Nanshi, Green Raven, 

Does ENJOY an insatiable cravin'.
She's been KNOWN to invite,
Fourteen LADS in a night,
To ENTER her innermost haven!

  A SEX-STARVED young wizard named Rex, 

Had a LASS in a brothel perplexed,
When he SAID (to the whore),
"Do ye KNOW Andrinor?
Cuz ye SURE got a magic vortex!"

  A young KURATHENE noble named Tancy 

He FANCIED those tasks that were chancy.
In a JOUST with Sir Jude,
He rode BACKWARDS and nude!
Now his ARSE holds the tip of Jude's lancy!

  This HEROIC young paladin Vian, 

Has a PLATTER he likes to serve tea on.
But he SCRUBS it clean nightly,
And I'd SAY so quite rightly,
E'er since KHARAK once used it to pee on!

  The GREAT dwarven bard known as Hargas, 

once WORKED in a travelling circus.
The twins BLECK and Bluwo,
a FLATULENT duo,
said "We WAGER you cannot out-fart us!"

  Well HARGAS had never been known, 

to IGNORE a gauntlet that's thrown.
Of his FARTS he was proud,
So he ANSWERED aloud,
"I'll out-FART ye in volume and tone!"

  Well the TWINS they were eager to start, 

so they GOT in position to fart,
They LOUDLY broke wind,
'twas a TERRIBLE din,
and the SMELL, t'was stale and tart.

  The TWO were quite pleased with their gas, 

but HARGAS just smiled as they passed.
He'd HEARD from a flautist,
that HIGH notes ring loudest,
so he TIGHTENED the cheeks of his ass!

  And his FART, as it flew, made such sound, 

that it DEAFENED near half of the town.
But those FOLKS with strong ears,
still HEARD the judge cheer,
"The DWARF wins the contest, hands down!"

  And THEN, at that point, it is said,

Bleck and BLUWO they turned tail and fled!
For their SWAGGER was maimed,
And their FLATULENCE shamed,
By this HERO named Hargas SteelHEAD!

Disclaimer: All unflattering stories in this work are exaggerated or invented for purposes of humor.