Shan's Secrets 2006
2006
Tue May 02, 2006 1:58 pmDear Journal, I’m going to start by telling you a secret: I go to Visi just to be near Priestess Isande. I still get lost in most places, so I always ask Ril to take me, but he’s the only one who knows I go there. He sits on one of the logs patiently and waits for me. First I approach her, and say hello. She reaches her hands out to me and I take them, smiling. Sometimes she hugs me briefly, as a sister, and my heart takes flight for a moment. I then turn to High Priest Jingadoolapingloop for healing. I don’t know if he realizes that I’m never physically injured, and that it’s really my heart and soul that need healing. He may very well know. They all might know . . . yet none of our priests have ever denied my request. Thirdly, of course, I kneel before the altar and very quickly say hello to my Father, Cha'reth. He knows why I'm there so I need not put up a front. And finally, that's where I stay, kneeling at the altar, with Isande on my left. THIS is the reason I come all the way to Visi. I yearn to speak with her, but since she has not replied to the letter I wrote months ago, I stifle my desire. Instead, silently, I reach out to her. I wonder at her tranquility and with my eyes closed, attempt soak it into myself . . . I recall the smooth touch of her slender hands and her gentle embrace. I listen to the soft rustle of her feathers as she moves, and her musical voice. She smells like mountain snow. She gives me brief flashes of stillness and peace. She shows me what I imagine Cha’reth would be, were he an Avariel. I realize I’ll never be so lovely inside, for this temper of mine. But I also believe she holds secrets I have yet to uncover, that may lead me to find peace with this wide world below the treetops. |
Wed May 17, 2006 6:25 pmDear Ril, I'm sorry I came in so late last night. I hope I didn't disturb your sleep. Something happened I wanted to put down in my journal. I'd like to tell you, too, and use my entry as a letter so I don’t have to write it twice. It's about Sirion. Walking back home to Ferrell, I went through Elf Gate. Dav, Dark and Vicky were there, as well as some others who I don’t know, or who I know only a little. . . my new friend Baloth showed up too, and we were just standing about, talking mostly about an odd bandit attack that just took place not long before I arrived. After Dav and Dark left, and amidst the talking, Sirion came, crazed and bleeding. He was wailing on and on about everything being his fault, Kahas' murdering his true love, and Cha'reth forsaking him, taking away his ability to heal and causing his healing energies to harm instead. . . and randomly, strangers to him kept casting spells and other healing on him despite his pleas for them to stop, for they were causing him more and more pain. . . His cries and moans still echo in my mind along with the gurgling sounds he made as chunks of raw, bloodied flesh choked out of him. I feel his warm blood splattering on my face and arms. Ril, I did try to soothe Sirion with kind words, and by gently cradling his arms as they spurted blood over and over again. There seemed no comforting him, though, and nothing anyone could do! He kept passing out, and even having seizures. And all of us who stood near him became contaminated with things I do not know . . . diseases and ill effects. I kept feeling nauseated and very weak. When I was at one point extremely sick and injured by explosions that kept coming down from the Heavens, Sirion tried to heal me and, indeed, almost killed me instead! Imagine a priest and healer’s gifts reversed! Rika showed up finally, but chaos continued. One moment everything went black around us. A large golden door appeared briefly. At another point my body was slammed into the ground, as if by the hand of a God, and I was unable to move even one of my feathers. Before I regained control of myself, Sirion turned into a large, dark bird like the giant angry birds in the Le'Or canopies. He spoke as if he had not changed, and even as he was leaving, showed concern for ME on the ground! Even stranger was, nobody seemed to be disturbed that Sirion turned into a large bird. . . Rika had been blinded completely and was walking on faith in Cha'reth, so perhaps she did not see his change. Someone mentioned possibly turning him to stone in order to preserve him and what sanity he had left . . . Maybe someone turned him into a bird for the same reason? Rika finally led him away, I believe toward the temple in Zvid, with some others I did not pay attention to. I had considered following earlier, when I was so diseased, in order to be healed there. But upon being able to walk again, I seemed no longer harmed physically, and decided I should come home to you. To tell you the truth, my love, all I could think of was being at your side again. I felt obligated to stay in Elf Gate for so long, to offer any comfort the presence of a sister could bring to Sirion, but I knew Rika needed me not and I felt . . . so afraid and exhausted. Waking this morning, I feel remnants of that stress and anxiety. I don't think I am physically harmed. My worries for Sirion, however, are strong. Oh, and one other thing, Ril, I told one other who seemed truly concerned for Sirion, what Fade told us . . . that Sirion had joined with Evrak. I had felt it important that another hear Fade's words, for, well, I believe Fade understands more of darkness than we do and perhaps saw something we would be unable to recognize. I hope I did not make a mistake by speaking of it. I look up at you and you are still sleeping! I don't know how as while writing this letter I nearly relived the experiences of last night . . . and no doubt some of that energy surrounds me. But you are deeply resting. I am comforted by your peacefulness, and feel filled with love as you lie there in our bed and dream sweet dreams. It was important to me to get these words down for you to read; since the entire goings on with Tall, I seem to be having more and more trouble talking – perhaps my voice is tired of speaking so much on unhappiness. I will go down to the port and sit on the bench and watch the sun rise over the water. I don't know your plans for today, but if they involve stopping by to drop me a kiss, I would be very happy. Yours, Ril, forever, -- Shan ((EDIT)) Some of the above page has become wrinkled and smudged, where tears have recently fallen. "Your's Ril," Has been crossed out and above it, written, "Cha'reth's." |
Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:36 pmTwo pieces of smaller parchment are tucked inside. Both poems are in her husband's handwriting.
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Sat Sep 16, 2006 10:22 amLarge, somewhat awkward scrawling in sapphire blue ink: MNTL, MNTL, MNTL, MNTL . . . Mntl, hst, brch, dfns MNTL, MNTL, MNTL, MNTL . . . |
Sat Sep 16, 2006 10:50 amA list begun, stuck inside, some crossing out and replacing of items, but mostly neat and organized: DONE? Yes Date Oct. 14, 2200 Elven Saturday; 0200 Gnomish Sunday Yes Cermony – Rika? Yes Vows – Rune & me Yes Bond – Rune Yes Order of events – Rune (I will help) Yes Dress – Bruno Yes Dress designs – Sally Yes! Wedding – Temple in Visi, Ask Rika, Brother Jing and Sister Isande ___ Corellon Blessing – Saffie (at Temple) Yes Reception, place: ___Rika’s_______________ ___ Song – XXXXXXXXX Yes Food & Drinks – send to Rika Yes Guests list Dresses for: Yes Mom Yes Saffie Yes Sally Yes Goldie No Marin -- Cannot make it Yes Nay Yes Da’e |
Fri Oct 13, 2006 10:24 pmDear Journal, I can't sleep! I cannot believe the day is so close. . . I wish I'd stayed in Ferrell with Rune and Saffie . . . I miss them. I miss Sally and Mom. I miss Amendel. . . Cha'reth take care of him please. I wish he could be there for this. For him to miss my Bonding breaks my heart, and I know mom's and Saffie's too, although they pretend it does not. Cha'reth if I could have one wish it would be to have my brother there. If Rune wears that silly open shirt and pirate boots I will have to strangle him! I state that now: If Rune is dead from being strangled before we are bound, it is his own fault! Oh, and what if he's late?!! Worries are worries . . . they are but weaknesses and this I know, but I still can't sleep! I feel like Nayala is running around in my brain! Speedy speedy speedy . . . |
Wed Oct 25, 2006 9:55 pmHow am I to describe this moment. . . I describe it: Life complete, and full; the world wide and sparkling; my heart dancing in a place so safe it can only know acts of rejoicing. Shannen’s is a rejoicing heart. Shannen’s is a rejoicing smile. Shannen’s is a rejoicing embrace. On my way here, I felt the loneliness of many things: Fear, danger, darkness, loss, hunger, longing, resentment . . . I don’t forget. I don’t forget my Dad. I don’t forget Howler. Nor the feeling of wet leaves under my shivering bum; Cold rain on bare arms; fingers so cold to be brittle; wolves howling into my soul; accusations of the wicked bigoted; cruel slights by those who now call me friend. The rain does not remember me as I was . . . nor do the ladies. Mean, Angry life, I remember you. Lifted up by Grag, and Ril, Rika and Da’e. . . smiled upon most obviously by my Father in whom I place it all. And now I’m here, with Rune for all my life, our lives ahead. For this I pray: Guide me Father, to do as you would do; to love as you would love; to forgive as you would forgive. Show me Father, who needs from me my gifts. Lead me to discover true peace. Place my hands over the hands that are cold and lonely. Stand me next to the ones who would receive my knowledge of you. Lend me the touch that restores and strengthens hope, the touch that teaches others of times overcome, tortures forgiven, coldness melted. |