View source for Archival Reprint- The Herschweissenbach Herald, Vol. 1

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THE HERSCHWEISSENBACH HERALD
Volume 440, Year 2150
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EBONY MAGE USES DIVINATION MAGIC, PREDICTS HIS OWN SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY
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MIKONA- Ebony Mage Sinomi Sii reported that he had successfully employed a powerful divination spell last Tuesday to gain foreknowledge of his upcoming surprise birthday party, planned for this Friday. Micah Ormane, Senior Mage of Avlis and the organizer of the surprise party, expressed frustration and disappointment over the report. 'I worked really hard to keep this a secret,' complained Ormane.
Entertainment for the party will include some Halflings, which will be dominated and forced to dance for the mages' pleasure. Also at the party will be a brief magic show, and a cake-eating contest. Sinomi Sii expressed no remorse over ruining the surprise, except to say, 'I'm still looking forward to it, although my divination also revealed that I will lose the cake-eating contest to Damar. This displeases me.'
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DEADLY HEATWAVE STRIKES THE CONTINENT, CHURCH OF VEROSSA REPORTS RECORD-BREAKING CHURCH ATTENDANCE
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WESTSHORE - From Kuras to Mikona, temperatures have risen dramatically in the past months, causing death and misery throughout the continent. Urban centers have been hit the hardest, especially in the slum districts where poor children have been dying by the hundreds, from dehydration and heat sickness. The Church of Verossa, meanwhile, reports being 'really excited' about the whole thing.
'We've never had such good attendance records,' said Helena Hinselgrotch, a Priestess of Verossa. Many people have been flocking to the Church of Verossa, in the hopes of appeasing the Evil Goddess of Bad Weather. 'It's really a great time to be part of the Church, said Hinselgrotch. 'I mean, hurricanes and tornados are fine, but a deadly heatwave? Now that's something special!'
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LOCAL HEROES IN FERREL THWART MASSIVE UNDEAD INVASION, CELEBRATE BY SMOKING LOTS OF WEED
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FERREL - Last Monday an army of undead minions rose against the nation of Ferrel, only to be fought back by a gathering of local heroes, who later celebrated and also got high from weed. Led by Arania Moonshadow, the heroes did battle with the undead that poured forth from the 'Rift', and then afterwards reminisced about the fight while they smoked mellowsmoke weed from a Ferrelian water-bong.
At the celebration was High Paladin Thror Stormhammer, who smoked an enormous amount of weed. Also present at the celebration was the poet Hargas Steelhead, who elicited a great cry of triumph when he said, 'Oh man, that was [so] awesome when we beat [that] draco-skeleton!' The heroes later gorged themselves on the Port Hole's entire stock of roasted corn kernels.
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COUNCIL OF NINE OFFICIALLY DUBS ELYSIA A 'SHIT-HOLE'
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LE'OR - The Council of Nine voted unanimously last Wednesday to begin referring to Elysia as 'uv'y'lath', which translates roughly as 'that shit-hole'. Officials in Le'Or reportedly proposed the resolution after realizing that Elysia 'sucks'. 'There's really no reason to go there,' said Councilman For'varin Tel'ith'or'rein'stik'ma'ween'a, 'unless you want to get married or something.'
Supporters of the fey-dominated city-state cite the many attractions, like the Champion's Keep, and the popular picnic area just outside the Forest of Midnight. 'There has never been a better time to visit Elysia,' said local Champion and leader Carl Sarmon. 'Our nightlife is more happening than ever, and our problem with rampant social diseases has been diminished greatly. Elysia! Try us out, won't you?'
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RAPACITY A LIAR, KILLED BY MENDEL THE BLUE IN TRIUMPHANT RETURN
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MIKONA - In the last issue, the Herald had a small mistake. Based on false testimony from Rapacity, and mistaken reports from local law enforcement, we erroneously printed an obituary for Mendel the Blue. We would like to publicly issue a retraction of that story, for we now know the Mendel the Blue was only ill with a horrible stomach virus. He recovered and returned to Mikona last Tuesday.
Mendel defeated his attempted murderer, Rapacity, and freed the legion of slaves under Rapacity's rule. When asked what he was going to do next, Mendel replied, 'I'm going to go to the Romini Baths.' I, Herschum Herscweissenbach, would like to personally apologize to all of our readers for this rare misprint, and I assure you that every effort will be made to insure that it never happens again.
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Contributors: Gnavin Bootsloutner, Carak Hamsternitzel, Bitsy Hunklebeard, Sarah Gnoflensneezer
The Herschweissenbach Herald, Volume 440

[[Category:Books|Archival Reprint - The Herschweissenbach Herald, Vol. 1]]